r trusty lawyer will say, “If we take out this and that, and change it here, and re-write the whole thing, well, you’re almost sure to get a patent.” “That will be an additional 2 grand, and did I remind you that for only 3 grand more you can get INTERNATIONAL patent protection in Belgium and Samoa?”

“Better act now for this valuable additional feature, because it will be impossible to get later.”

HEY INVENTOR-PERSON, WHAT HAPPENED?

Maybe I’m mistaken, but I thought you wanted to get RICH with your invention. Did it ever occur to you what you will really have if you do get a patent after spending all this time and money? You will have a watered down patent that barely protects your Wizzy-Lizzy’s “bottom hinge flap.” You will get imitated and you

Here it is in a nutshell. I think US Patents, specifically the more heavyweight "Utility" Patents are a huge waste of time and money. This is the government folks! This is “Lawyer-Land.” This is bureaucracy at it’s most mindless bumbling inepeted-est. Why would any creative, inventive, profit oriented, red-blooded American want ti get involved with such a cabal of thieves?

I’ll tell you why.
The number one reason is FEAR. We have been so brainwashed to be distrustful of the marketplace that we think our precious idea for a new can opener or windshield wiper is going to be ripped off the minute it hits the market.

The second reason is VANITY. We want to walk down the street and hear people whisper, “There goes so-and-so, the inventor of the Wizzy-Lizzy—and he even got it patented!” You betcha, we’ll feel like we walk side by side with Edison.

The third main reason people go through this byzantine process is, CONDITIONING. After all, we’ve been told since childhood that that’s the way it’s done here in the good ol’ U.S. of A. All of the above is wrong and a stupid waste of time and money.

Here’s the reality.
Your bright idea has probably already been thought up long ago. Oh, not exactly the same but close enough that getting a patent is going to be real tough. First thing you’ll spend big lawyer money on is a Patent Search to see if there is another Wizzy-Lizzy out there. You will get a report from your lawyer saying that, well, yeah, although there is another similar invention out there, it’s called a Tizzy-Fizzy, and it’s got a handle on the other side, and it is left handed to boot!, so we think we can tweak your inventor’s “claims” so you will almost certainly get a patent. It will however cost you another 2 grand to proceed. At this point, you’ll probably be so in love with the idea of getting a patent that you’ll fork over the dough and proceed. Pay no attention to that tilting ground under your feet—nothing ventured, nothing gained!—full speed ahead and damn the torpedoes!

Welcome to “lawyer-land” where you will spend the rest of your business life, all of your money and effort, until your every crumb of your funds have been vacuumed out of your life. Anyway, back to your adventure. The next thing you’ll see is a thick book with descriptions and diagrams of your Wizzy-Lizzy that looks nothing like your original idea and you can hardly read. It’s almost like it’s been translated into Latin, and the drawings are in a silly, quaint imitation of some wood engravings from the 18th century. “It has to be done this way” you’re told, “because that’s how it’s always been done.” Your submission reads and looks like some arcane religious document because that’s what it is now! The PTO is the church, and the lawyers are its priests. You are expected to shut up and take it. But it’s not over yet.

Weeks later you get a report from the examiner denying your application for a patent. The reasons cited are as incomprehensible as your attorney’s interpretation of the ol’ Wizzy-Lizzy! But wait! Your trusty lawyer will say, “If we take out this and that, and change it here, and re-write the whole thing, well, you’re almost sure to get a patent.” “That will be an additional 2 grand, and did I remind you that for only 3 grand more you can get INTERNATIONAL patent protection in Belgium and Samoa?”

“Better act now for this valuable additional feature, because it will be impossible to get later.”

HEY INVENTOR-PERSON, WHAT HAPPENED?

Maybe I’m mistaken, but I thought you wanted to get RICH with your invention. Did it ever occur to you what you will really have if you do get a patent after spending all this time and money? You will have a watered down patent that barely protects your Wizzy-Lizzy’s “bottom hinge flap.” You will get imitated and you

Lizzy—and he even got it patented!” You betcha, we’ll feel like we walk side by side with Edison.

The third main reason people go through this byzantine process is, CONDITIONING. After all, we’ve been told since childhood that that’s the way it’s done here in the good ol’ U.S. of A. All of the above is wrong and a stupid waste of time and money.

Here’s the reality.
Your bright idea has probably already been thought up long ago. Oh, not exactly the same but close enough that getting a patent is going to be real tough. First thing you’ll spend big lawyer money on is a Patent Search to see if there is another Wizzy-Lizzy out there. You will get a report from your lawyer saying that, well, yeah, although there is another similar invention out there, it’s called a Tizzy-Fizzy, and it’s got a handle on the other side, and it is left handed to boot!, so we think we can tweak your inventor’s “claims” so you will almost certainly get a patent. It will however cost you another 2 grand to proceed. At this point, you’ll probably be so in love with the idea of getting a patent that you’ll fork over the dough and proceed. Pay no attention to that tilting ground under your feet—nothing ventured, nothing gained!—full speed ahead and damn the torpedoes!

Welcome to “lawyer-land” where you will spend the rest of your business life, all of your money and effort, until your every crumb of your funds have been vacuumed out of your life. Anyway, back to your adventure. The next thing you’ll see is a thick book with descriptions and diagrams of your Wizzy-Lizzy that looks nothing like your original idea and you can hardly read. It’s almost like it’s been translated into Latin, and the drawings are in a silly, quaint imitation of some wood engravings from the 18th century. “It has to be done this way” you’re told, “because that’s how it’s always been done.” Your submission reads and looks like some arcane religious document because that’s what it is now! The PTO is the church, and the lawyers are its priests. You are expected to shut up and take it. But it’s not over yet.

Weeks later you get a report from the examiner denying your application for a patent. The reasons cited are as incomprehensible as your attorney’s interpretation of the ol’ Wizzy-Lizzy! But wait! Your trusty lawyer will say, “If we take out this and that, and change it here, and re-write the whole thing, well, you’re almost sure to get a patent.” “That will be an additional 2 grand, and did I remind you that for only 3 grand more you can get INTERNATIONAL patent protection in Belgium and Samoa?”

“Better act now for this valuable additional feature, because it will be impossible to get later.”

HEY INVENTOR-PERSON, WHAT HAPPENED?

Maybe I’m mistaken, but I thought you wanted to get RICH with your invention. Did it ever occur to you what you will really have if you do get a patent after spending all this time and money? You will have a watered down patent that barely protects your Wizzy-Lizzy’s “bottom hinge flap.” You will get imitated and you

there, it’s called a Tizzy-Fizzy, and it’s got a handle on the other side, and it is left handed to boot!, so we think we can tweak your inventor’s “claims” so you will almost certainly get a patent. It will however cost you another 2 grand to proceed. At this point, you’ll probably be so in love with the idea of getting a patent that you’ll fork over the dough and proceed. Pay no attention to that tilting ground under your feet—nothing ventured, nothing gained!—full speed ahead and damn the torpedoes!

Welcome to “lawyer-land” where you will spend the rest of your business life, all of your money and effort, until your every crumb of your funds have been vacuumed out of your life. Anyway, back to your adventure. The next thing you’ll see is a thick book with descriptions and diagrams of your Wizzy-Lizzy that looks nothing like your original idea and you can hardly read. It’s almost like it’s been translated into Latin, and the drawings are in a silly, quaint imitation of some wood engravings from the 18th century. “It has to be done this way” you’re told, “because that’s how it’s always been done.” Your submission reads and looks like some arcane religious document because that’s what it is now! The PTO is the church, and the lawyers are its priests. You are expected to shut up and take it. But it’s not over yet.

Weeks later you get a report from the examiner denying your application for a patent. The reasons cited are as incomprehensible as your attorney’s interpretation of the ol’ Wizzy-Lizzy! But wait! Your trusty lawyer will say, “If we take out this and that, and change it here, and re-write the whole thing, well, you’re almost sure to get a patent.” “That will be an additional 2 grand, and did I remind you that for only 3 grand more you can get INTERNATIONAL patent protection in Belgium and Samoa?”

“Better act now for this valuable additional feature, because it will be impossible to get later.”

HEY INVENTOR-PERSON, WHAT HAPPENED?

Maybe I’m mistaken, but I thought you wanted to get RICH with your invention. Did it ever occur to you what you will really have if you do get a patent after spending all this time and money? You will have a watered down patent that barely protects your Wizzy-Lizzy’s “bottom hinge flap.” You will get imitated and you

th descriptions and diagrams of your Wizzy-Lizzy that looks nothing like your original idea and you can hardly read. It’s almost like it’s been translated into Latin, and the drawings are in a silly, quaint imitation of some wood engravings from the 18th century. “It has to be done this way” you’re told, “because that’s how it’s always been done.” Your submission reads and looks like some arcane religious document because that’s what it is now! The PTO is the church, and the lawyers are its priests. You are expected to shut up and take it. But it’s not over yet.

Weeks later you get a report from the examiner denying your application for a patent. The reasons cited are as incomprehensible as your attorney’s interpretation of the ol’ Wizzy-Lizzy! But wait! Your trusty lawyer will say, “If we take out this and that, and change it here, and re-write the whole thing, well, you’re almost sure to get a patent.” “That will be an additional 2 grand, and did I remind you that for only 3 grand more you can get INTERNATIONAL patent protection in Belgium and Samoa?”

“Better act now for this valuable additional feature, because it will be impossible to get later.”

HEY INVENTOR-PERSON, WHAT HAPPENED?

Maybe I’m mistaken, but I thought you wanted to get RICH with your invention. Did it ever occur to you what you will really have if you do get a patent after spending all this time and money? You will have a watered down patent that barely protects your Wizzy-Lizzy’s “bottom hinge flap.” You will get imitated and you

r trusty lawyer will say, “If we take out this and that, and change it here, and re-write the whole thing, well, you’re almost sure to get a patent.” “That will be an additional 2 grand, and did I remind you that for only 3 grand more you can get INTERNATIONAL patent protection in Belgium and Samoa?”

“Better act now for this valuable additional feature, because it will be impossible to get later.”

HEY INVENTOR-PERSON, WHAT HAPPENED?

Maybe I’m mistaken, but I thought you wanted to get RICH with your invention. Did it ever occur to you what you will really have if you do get a patent after spending all this time and money? You will have a watered down patent that barely protects your Wizzy-Lizzy’s “bottom hinge flap.” You will get imitated and you will have to file a lawsuit. So, after all is said and done, you’ll be right back in court—lawyer-land—for years perhaps, while you could have been making money from your invention in the first place.

All of the above happened to me…well almost, because I just pulled the plug before it got out of hand. When I got my first refusal my attorney did try to push the “international” patent protection on me. I thought, “Hey. If I am being turned down for a U.S. Patent, why would I go for being covered overseas?” Anyway, that’s my rant and I know a lot of you are going to be upset. I apologize, but it makes me really angry to think of all the time and money I wasted. What I’m angriest about is my own stupidity—my own desire for “Fame and Renown” and my gullibility throughout the whole process. I eventually went ahead and did go to the marketplace with my product, I did get imitated, and it did turn out to be a flop. Oh, I made some money for about two years, but it ran out of steam and advertising dollars (which I had spent on the @#%! patent).