virgins” don’t count.

You might get sued.

What if they lie? If they lie, and you know they are lying, refuse to perform the ceremony. How will you know if they are lying?

If they live together, they’re having sex. If she’s pregnant, they’re having sex. If she’s been on the pill for a year, they’re having sex.

This ain’t advanced hermeneutics Augustine.

Some may protest saying you are denying them marriage. But you’re not. They can go down to the civil authority an

Jesus had balls.

I mean that literally—he was a guy—but also figuratively. Think about it: He stormed into a temple full of people selling their over-priced bulls, doves and Gospel CD’s at the table in the Lobby and opened up a can of whip-Jew on their booties.

Gotta love that. He went medieval on them before “going medieval” even meant anything.

I would have loved to see Jesus in a cage match. That’s great pay-per-view.

I wonder if today’s ministers could tap into some Holy-Spirit-inspired testosterone? I wonder if being filled with the Spirit could be like spiritual steroids, allowing those pudgy purveyors of truth to build some spiritual pecs? Like Arnold with less groping and more scriptural support.

If you’re one of those “pumping Bible” kinds of ministers, this is for you.

I am going to give you a quick way to stop people in your church from having pre-marital sex—or at least to stop many of them. Before I give you this wonderful solution I need you to consider what’s been tried before:

To stop people from sleeping with each other outside of marriage preachers have tried preaching, abstinence campaigns, movies and seminars. Still little Christian girls and boys continue to rub their naughty parts together.

So here’s the solution—be ready it won’t be easy:

Stop marrying people who aren’t virgins or widows (widowers.)

You see, these folks may not love Jesus enough to abstain, but they still want a church wedding. And they want you to perform it. If you refuse to do the wedding, lots of people will be miffed.

You might get fired (this is where the balls come in handy.)

How will you know whether or not they are virgins? You could ask for a medical exam, but most people would find that a little invasive. Here’s what I propose: Ask them.

Ask them, “Are you both virgins?” If they say yes, then we’re good to go. If not, then simply tell them you only marry virgins. And by the way, “recycled virgins” don’t count.

You might get sued.

What if they lie? If they lie, and you know they are lying, refuse to perform the ceremony. How will you know if they are lying?

If they live together, they’re having sex. If she’s pregnant, they’re having sex. If she’s been on the pill for a year, they’re having sex.

This ain’t advanced hermeneutics Augustine.

Some may protest saying you are denying them marriage. But you’re not. They can go down to the civil authority and

oly-Spirit-inspired testosterone? I wonder if being filled with the Spirit could be like spiritual steroids, allowing those pudgy purveyors of truth to build some spiritual pecs? Like Arnold with less groping and more scriptural support.

If you’re one of those “pumping Bible” kinds of ministers, this is for you.

I am going to give you a quick way to stop people in your church from having pre-marital sex—or at least to stop many of them. Before I give you this wonderful solution I need you to consider what’s been tried before:

To stop people from sleeping with each other outside of marriage preachers have tried preaching, abstinence campaigns, movies and seminars. Still little Christian girls and boys continue to rub their naughty parts together.

So here’s the solution—be ready it won’t be easy:

Stop marrying people who aren’t virgins or widows (widowers.)

You see, these folks may not love Jesus enough to abstain, but they still want a church wedding. And they want you to perform it. If you refuse to do the wedding, lots of people will be miffed.

You might get fired (this is where the balls come in handy.)

How will you know whether or not they are virgins? You could ask for a medical exam, but most people would find that a little invasive. Here’s what I propose: Ask them.

Ask them, “Are you both virgins?” If they say yes, then we’re good to go. If not, then simply tell them you only marry virgins. And by the way, “recycled virgins” don’t count.

You might get sued.

What if they lie? If they lie, and you know they are lying, refuse to perform the ceremony. How will you know if they are lying?

If they live together, they’re having sex. If she’s pregnant, they’re having sex. If she’s been on the pill for a year, they’re having sex.

This ain’t advanced hermeneutics Augustine.

Some may protest saying you are denying them marriage. But you’re not. They can go down to the civil authority an

you to consider what’s been tried before:

To stop people from sleeping with each other outside of marriage preachers have tried preaching, abstinence campaigns, movies and seminars. Still little Christian girls and boys continue to rub their naughty parts together.

So here’s the solution—be ready it won’t be easy:

Stop marrying people who aren’t virgins or widows (widowers.)

You see, these folks may not love Jesus enough to abstain, but they still want a church wedding. And they want you to perform it. If you refuse to do the wedding, lots of people will be miffed.

You might get fired (this is where the balls come in handy.)

How will you know whether or not they are virgins? You could ask for a medical exam, but most people would find that a little invasive. Here’s what I propose: Ask them.

Ask them, “Are you both virgins?” If they say yes, then we’re good to go. If not, then simply tell them you only marry virgins. And by the way, “recycled virgins” don’t count.

You might get sued.

What if they lie? If they lie, and you know they are lying, refuse to perform the ceremony. How will you know if they are lying?

If they live together, they’re having sex. If she’s pregnant, they’re having sex. If she’s been on the pill for a year, they’re having sex.

This ain’t advanced hermeneutics Augustine.

Some may protest saying you are denying them marriage. But you’re not. They can go down to the civil authority an

d they want you to perform it. If you refuse to do the wedding, lots of people will be miffed.

You might get fired (this is where the balls come in handy.)

How will you know whether or not they are virgins? You could ask for a medical exam, but most people would find that a little invasive. Here’s what I propose: Ask them.

Ask them, “Are you both virgins?” If they say yes, then we’re good to go. If not, then simply tell them you only marry virgins. And by the way, “recycled virgins” don’t count.

You might get sued.

What if they lie? If they lie, and you know they are lying, refuse to perform the ceremony. How will you know if they are lying?

If they live together, they’re having sex. If she’s pregnant, they’re having sex. If she’s been on the pill for a year, they’re having sex.

This ain’t advanced hermeneutics Augustine.

Some may protest saying you are denying them marriage. But you’re not. They can go down to the civil authority an

virgins” don’t count.

You might get sued.

What if they lie? If they lie, and you know they are lying, refuse to perform the ceremony. How will you know if they are lying?

If they live together, they’re having sex. If she’s pregnant, they’re having sex. If she’s been on the pill for a year, they’re having sex.

This ain’t advanced hermeneutics Augustine.

Some may protest saying you are denying them marriage. But you’re not. They can go down to the civil authority and for $8 they can get their license AND be married.

No muss, no fuss.

Imagine the impact of all the ministers in just one town agreeing not to marry non-virgins. It would make the national news. It would change the town.

They’d probably all get crucified.

Yup, Jesus sure had some huge brass knockers, that’s for sure.