(That last one really hurt!) Back to the list:

Stop loaning out my pickup to every poor soul you think needs it. The last guy kept it for a week.

Sour milk is not good for the trees.

Stop calling the neighbor’s dog, "Orville." His name is "Wilbur."

Stop going to the track at exactly 4:00 when that Mexican lady is jogging.

We only need one bundle of bananas at a time. You don’t have to fill the cart.

There is only so much room in the refrigerator for eggs.

You only need two boxes of cake mix a week for the grandkid’s cake. You don’t have to buy cake mix in case lots.

Frosting is adequate for a cake. You don’t have to pile fruit on it until it looks like Carman Miranda’s hat.

(Now, that was cruel!) Back to the list:

Stop hugging all the ladies at church, especially Sister Corolla.

Five pans are enough when you are cooking up one of your gourmet dinners.

Don’t put pans on top of dishes in the sink.

Don’t but glasses under plates either.

When you are c

I said, “Yes, Dear.”

“You never listen,” she said.

I said, “I’ll be taking the garbage out right after I finish my breakfast.”

Sometimes my wife says that I never listen to her. She said it just a minute ago, but of coarse she always has my undivided attention.

I thought it over the other day. Even if I am just about perfect I could take a few steps to improve myself. I said to her, “I’m taking a few steps to improve myself. I can’t seem to think up a list.”

“Don’t give up,” she answered.

After seventy-three years of self-improvement, using statistical process control, it is hard to generate a comprehensive list of things you should do to improve yourself. Think about it. The Devil has pretty much lost control of you.

I spoke to the Devil the other day. This is what he said, “You’re just perfect, John.”

I thanked Satan for the compliment. I said, “Why, thank you, Satan!”

He swished his tail like he does and said, “I’ll be seeing you!” He gave that impish grin of his and disappeared in the red plume of smoke he has developed over the eons. It’s no wonder that we have so many Devil worshipers.

I try to remember what he did to poor Ol’ Job. I really hate boils?

I decided not to make a list of things I could improve upon using my computer. It’s much better to use pen and paper if you want to be creative. Who was that mystery writer who sat on his veranda in Florida and wrote out each novel on a legal pad. When he was done, he took the pad to a typist and then sent it to his editor. He did that over and over again. Not once was he interrupted by the computer he didn’t own. Think about it!

There was the blank page in front of me begging for me to list my self-improvement items. Even without the computer, I couldn’t think of one thing except I could have ice cream every other day instead of just twice a week.

I asked my wife, “You don’t have any items that I could put on my self-improvement list, do you?”

My wife hangs out in her craft room where she is currently knitting Christmas stockings for our three grandchildren in Seattle. When our first grandchild was born, she knitted a stocking for her. I said, “You’ll be sorry!” But she kept knitting Christmas stockings and she is doing 30, 31, and 32.

I look at the stocking she was working on. The name of the stocking was that of our first great grandchild. I could see no reason to tell her she would be sorry again. She says I don’t listen!

I ran back to my blank piece of paper and wrote: Don’t tell your wife to stop knitting.

When the triplets were born, my granddaughter said, “I’ve got a new baby sister and she has two brothers!” We went up there for the triplets first birthday and watched them shove cake into their faces. The women from our church who had manned the three-women-to-a-shift five times a day for over six months were all there. I’d never heard of such devoted service before.

Anyway, I went to my wife and said, “Did you come up with anything?”

She was in the middle of a tricky stitch. She nodded and I saw that she had written down a few things. The list had fallen to the floor. I picked it up and left her lair without reading it. But it did look longer than I had expected. I thought this is one of her tricks. She is going to spoof me. It’s going to be fun to read this thing. I sat down in my rocking chair and went down the list:

Pick up your socks.

Keep the wash basin in your bathroom clean. No spitting!

Don’t pick your nose.

Try bathing more than once a week even in the winter.

Change the furnace filter more often. Once every two years is not enough.

Balance the checkbook.

Pull the dandelions even if you think they are pretty.

Rake the leaves. They are NOT good for the grass.

Stop giving the grandkids everything under the sun. You are spoiling them. No more toasted marshmallows.

Get away from the computer and take the grandkids fishing.

Don’t wash your paint brushes in the kitchen sink.

Stop building piles of books and papers around your desk. I need to be able to find you.

Don’t start anymore web sites. That’s why you are always broke.

I know you lost a novel while downloading Service Pack II. That doesn’t mean you can’t write another one. Back to Canyon Diablo!

Stop buying books at Amazon every time you turn around. Did you really need to buy I was a Headhunter for $25.00 just because you liked it when you were a kid?

(That last one really hurt!) Back to the list:

Stop loaning out my pickup to every poor soul you think needs it. The last guy kept it for a week.

Sour milk is not good for the trees.

Stop calling the neighbor’s dog, "Orville." His name is "Wilbur."

Stop going to the track at exactly 4:00 when that Mexican lady is jogging.

We only need one bundle of bananas at a time. You don’t have to fill the cart.

There is only so much room in the refrigerator for eggs.

You only need two boxes of cake mix a week for the grandkid’s cake. You don’t have to buy cake mix in case lots.

Frosting is adequate for a cake. You don’t have to pile fruit on it until it looks like Carman Miranda’s hat.

(Now, that was cruel!) Back to the list:

Stop hugging all the ladies at church, especially Sister Corolla.

Five pans are enough when you are cooking up one of your gourmet dinners.

Don’t put pans on top of dishes in the sink.

Don’t but glasses under plates either.

When you are co

I try to remember what he did to poor Ol’ Job. I really hate boils?

I decided not to make a list of things I could improve upon using my computer. It’s much better to use pen and paper if you want to be creative. Who was that mystery writer who sat on his veranda in Florida and wrote out each novel on a legal pad. When he was done, he took the pad to a typist and then sent it to his editor. He did that over and over again. Not once was he interrupted by the computer he didn’t own. Think about it!

There was the blank page in front of me begging for me to list my self-improvement items. Even without the computer, I couldn’t think of one thing except I could have ice cream every other day instead of just twice a week.

I asked my wife, “You don’t have any items that I could put on my self-improvement list, do you?”

My wife hangs out in her craft room where she is currently knitting Christmas stockings for our three grandchildren in Seattle. When our first grandchild was born, she knitted a stocking for her. I said, “You’ll be sorry!” But she kept knitting Christmas stockings and she is doing 30, 31, and 32.

I look at the stocking she was working on. The name of the stocking was that of our first great grandchild. I could see no reason to tell her she would be sorry again. She says I don’t listen!

I ran back to my blank piece of paper and wrote: Don’t tell your wife to stop knitting.

When the triplets were born, my granddaughter said, “I’ve got a new baby sister and she has two brothers!” We went up there for the triplets first birthday and watched them shove cake into their faces. The women from our church who had manned the three-women-to-a-shift five times a day for over six months were all there. I’d never heard of such devoted service before.

Anyway, I went to my wife and said, “Did you come up with anything?”

She was in the middle of a tricky stitch. She nodded and I saw that she had written down a few things. The list had fallen to the floor. I picked it up and left her lair without reading it. But it did look longer than I had expected. I thought this is one of her tricks. She is going to spoof me. It’s going to be fun to read this thing. I sat down in my rocking chair and went down the list:

Pick up your socks.

Keep the wash basin in your bathroom clean. No spitting!

Don’t pick your nose.

Try bathing more than once a week even in the winter.

Change the furnace filter more often. Once every two years is not enough.

Balance the checkbook.

Pull the dandelions even if you think they are pretty.

Rake the leaves. They are NOT good for the grass.

Stop giving the grandkids everything under the sun. You are spoiling them. No more toasted marshmallows.

Get away from the computer and take the grandkids fishing.

Don’t wash your paint brushes in the kitchen sink.

Stop building piles of books and papers around your desk. I need to be able to find you.

Don’t start anymore web sites. That’s why you are always broke.

I know you lost a novel while downloading Service Pack II. That doesn’t mean you can’t write another one. Back to Canyon Diablo!

Stop buying books at Amazon every time you turn around. Did you really need to buy I was a Headhunter for $25.00 just because you liked it when you were a kid?

(That last one really hurt!) Back to the list:

Stop loaning out my pickup to every poor soul you think needs it. The last guy kept it for a week.

Sour milk is not good for the trees.

Stop calling the neighbor’s dog, "Orville." His name is "Wilbur."

Stop going to the track at exactly 4:00 when that Mexican lady is jogging.

We only need one bundle of bananas at a time. You don’t have to fill the cart.

There is only so much room in the refrigerator for eggs.

You only need two boxes of cake mix a week for the grandkid’s cake. You don’t have to buy cake mix in case lots.

Frosting is adequate for a cake. You don’t have to pile fruit on it until it looks like Carman Miranda’s hat.

(Now, that was cruel!) Back to the list:

Stop hugging all the ladies at church, especially Sister Corolla.

Five pans are enough when you are cooking up one of your gourmet dinners.

Don’t put pans on top of dishes in the sink.

Don’t but glasses under plates either.

When you are c

I look at the stocking she was working on. The name of the stocking was that of our first great grandchild. I could see no reason to tell her she would be sorry again. She says I don’t listen!

I ran back to my blank piece of paper and wrote: Don’t tell your wife to stop knitting.

When the triplets were born, my granddaughter said, “I’ve got a new baby sister and she has two brothers!” We went up there for the triplets first birthday and watched them shove cake into their faces. The women from our church who had manned the three-women-to-a-shift five times a day for over six months were all there. I’d never heard of such devoted service before.

Anyway, I went to my wife and said, “Did you come up with anything?”

She was in the middle of a tricky stitch. She nodded and I saw that she had written down a few things. The list had fallen to the floor. I picked it up and left her lair without reading it. But it did look longer than I had expected. I thought this is one of her tricks. She is going to spoof me. It’s going to be fun to read this thing. I sat down in my rocking chair and went down the list:

Pick up your socks.

Keep the wash basin in your bathroom clean. No spitting!

Don’t pick your nose.

Try bathing more than once a week even in the winter.

Change the furnace filter more often. Once every two years is not enough.

Balance the checkbook.

Pull the dandelions even if you think they are pretty.

Rake the leaves. They are NOT good for the grass.

Stop giving the grandkids everything under the sun. You are spoiling them. No more toasted marshmallows.

Get away from the computer and take the grandkids fishing.

Don’t wash your paint brushes in the kitchen sink.

Stop building piles of books and papers around your desk. I need to be able to find you.

Don’t start anymore web sites. That’s why you are always broke.

I know you lost a novel while downloading Service Pack II. That doesn’t mean you can’t write another one. Back to Canyon Diablo!

Stop buying books at Amazon every time you turn around. Did you really need to buy I was a Headhunter for $25.00 just because you liked it when you were a kid?

(That last one really hurt!) Back to the list:

Stop loaning out my pickup to every poor soul you think needs it. The last guy kept it for a week.

Sour milk is not good for the trees.

Stop calling the neighbor’s dog, "Orville." His name is "Wilbur."

Stop going to the track at exactly 4:00 when that Mexican lady is jogging.

We only need one bundle of bananas at a time. You don’t have to fill the cart.

There is only so much room in the refrigerator for eggs.

You only need two boxes of cake mix a week for the grandkid’s cake. You don’t have to buy cake mix in case lots.

Frosting is adequate for a cake. You don’t have to pile fruit on it until it looks like Carman Miranda’s hat.

(Now, that was cruel!) Back to the list:

Stop hugging all the ladies at church, especially Sister Corolla.

Five pans are enough when you are cooking up one of your gourmet dinners.

Don’t put pans on top of dishes in the sink.

Don’t but glasses under plates either.

When you are c

Pick up your socks.

Keep the wash basin in your bathroom clean. No spitting!

Don’t pick your nose.

Try bathing more than once a week even in the winter.

Change the furnace filter more often. Once every two years is not enough.

Balance the checkbook.

Pull the dandelions even if you think they are pretty.

Rake the leaves. They are NOT good for the grass.

Stop giving the grandkids everything under the sun. You are spoiling them. No more toasted marshmallows.

Get away from the computer and take the grandkids fishing.

Don’t wash your paint brushes in the kitchen sink.

Stop building piles of books and papers around your desk. I need to be able to find you.

Don’t start anymore web sites. That’s why you are always broke.

I know you lost a novel while downloading Service Pack II. That doesn’t mean you can’t write another one. Back to Canyon Diablo!

Stop buying books at Amazon every time you turn around. Did you really need to buy I was a Headhunter for $25.00 just because you liked it when you were a kid?

(That last one really hurt!) Back to the list:

Stop loaning out my pickup to every poor soul you think needs it. The last guy kept it for a week.

Sour milk is not good for the trees.

Stop calling the neighbor’s dog, "Orville." His name is "Wilbur."

Stop going to the track at exactly 4:00 when that Mexican lady is jogging.

We only need one bundle of bananas at a time. You don’t have to fill the cart.

There is only so much room in the refrigerator for eggs.

You only need two boxes of cake mix a week for the grandkid’s cake. You don’t have to buy cake mix in case lots.

Frosting is adequate for a cake. You don’t have to pile fruit on it until it looks like Carman Miranda’s hat.

(Now, that was cruel!) Back to the list:

Stop hugging all the ladies at church, especially Sister Corolla.

Five pans are enough when you are cooking up one of your gourmet dinners.

Don’t put pans on top of dishes in the sink.

Don’t but glasses under plates either.

When you are c

(That last one really hurt!) Back to the list:

Stop loaning out my pickup to every poor soul you think needs it. The last guy kept it for a week.

Sour milk is not good for the trees.

Stop calling the neighbor’s dog, "Orville." His name is "Wilbur."

Stop going to the track at exactly 4:00 when that Mexican lady is jogging.

We only need one bundle of bananas at a time. You don’t have to fill the cart.

There is only so much room in the refrigerator for eggs.

You only need two boxes of cake mix a week for the grandkid’s cake. You don’t have to buy cake mix in case lots.

Frosting is adequate for a cake. You don’t have to pile fruit on it until it looks like Carman Miranda’s hat.

(Now, that was cruel!) Back to the list:

Stop hugging all the ladies at church, especially Sister Corolla.

Five pans are enough when you are cooking up one of your gourmet dinners.

Don’t put pans on top of dishes in the sink.

Don’t but glasses under plates either.

When you are cooking, the broom is behind the refrigerator.

When Alice Brown asked you to take a look at her thesis, you didn’t have to rewrite it for her. I think maybe that is why she didn’t get her degree. She hasn’t been around since.

Do you really need seventeen fishing poles? Give some to the grandkids.

(That was another blazer!)

Don’t buy that hunting rifle you’ve been hefting at Wal-Mart. You have to be able to walk up a hill to hunt.

Start working on your Christmas poem. December 26th is too late.

Don’t wait three days to take the garbage cans off the curb.

Stop trying to reenlist in the army to fight in Iraq. I know you old guys could fix things in three weeks, but the army doesn’t want you. Do I have to keep telling you that? Does the recruiter in the mall have to keep telling you that?

(Well, we could clean it up in three weeks!) The last one was:

Bring me another piece of paper.

Copyright©John T. Jones, Ph.D. 2005