passion, it’s also important not to neglect your own needs to a consistent and sometimes dangerous degree. Even without suffering from post-partum depression, you can still find yourself feeling irritable and cranky. And as the old saying goes, “When Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

Here are a few suggestions to help you regain your emotional footing, to remember that you are more than somebody’s 24 hour snack bar.

● Find kindred spirits. Women weren’t meant to parent in isolation. Pick up the phone and talk to a friend. Call your mom. Look for Internet groups of women who share similar parenting philosophies. Meet someone for coffee.

Julie is part of a group of mothers who breastfeed and parent the way she does. They understand that

I waited for life to return to ‘normal” for a full year after my first daughter was born. Call me a slow learner, but that’s how long it took me to realize that the “before children normal” was gone forever. The challenge, I eventually understood, was to redefine normal. By the time my second daughter was born, I had learned my lesson. I knew from the onset that once again, we had arrived at a new construction of normalcy.

For many mothers this new “normal” is filled with frustration and ambivalence. I loved my babies passionately and was affectionate and attentive. But I often greeted my husband at the end of a long care-taking day with outstretched arms – not for a hug, but so he could take the baby off my hands. On particularly bad days, I would demand, “Where were you? You said you’d be home by 6:00 and it’s now 6:07!” It’s a miracle we’re still happily married.

While all mothers may experience this kind of ambivalence, the feeling may be especially prevalent if you are breastfeeding. As Julie, a mother in New Jersey, explains, the “incredible connection” she has with her son is amazing, but “sometimes that connection, the physical contact, is too much. Nursing is constantly giving, all the time,” she adds. “Sometimes it’s wonderful but I didn’t realize how intense some days would be. And those are usually the days that he needs it more.”

Like Julie and her son, nursing moms and children share a unique embodied relationship. On the one hand, a mother and baby have a physical, almost spiritual connection: your baby cries, your milk lets down; your baby suckles, your uterus contracts. The boundaries are almost non-existent. On the other hand you and your child have separate and often competing needs; your baby’s need for connection and fusion contrasts sharply with your need for autonomy and self-definition.

It’s Not Always Easy

Nobody ever said parenting was going to be easy. And breastfeeding, though deeply rewarding, isn’t always a walk in the park. But as hard as it can be to give yourself over to the needs of one’s child, that doesn’t necessarily mean you want to abandon nursing for formula.

Doula and psychologist Lauren Korfine points out the lack of safe spaces where nursing mothers can give voice to the darker side of nursing without validating those who tout formula as women’s best friend. “In this culture,” she says, “whenever something is hard the answer is immediately, ‘Then don’t do it.’ It’s hard to be in labor, so take the labor away. It’s hard to have a fever, so take the fever away. It’s hard to mother your child in a conscious, attached way, but people are afraid to say that because the reaction from others would be, ‘So put the kid in a crib or give the kid a bottle.’”

Taking Care of Yourself

There are few things in life we enjoy 100 percent, all of the time. You can be fully committed to nursing and not enjoy every second of the experience. But it’s not healthy for you, or your family, if you become a martyr. As important as it is to respond to your baby with sensitivity and compassion, it’s also important not to neglect your own needs to a consistent and sometimes dangerous degree. Even without suffering from post-partum depression, you can still find yourself feeling irritable and cranky. And as the old saying goes, “When Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

Here are a few suggestions to help you regain your emotional footing, to remember that you are more than somebody’s 24 hour snack bar.

● Find kindred spirits. Women weren’t meant to parent in isolation. Pick up the phone and talk to a friend. Call your mom. Look for Internet groups of women who share similar parenting philosophies. Meet someone for coffee.

Julie is part of a group of mothers who breastfeed and parent the way she does. They understand that

“Where were you? You said you’d be home by 6:00 and it’s now 6:07!” It’s a miracle we’re still happily married.

While all mothers may experience this kind of ambivalence, the feeling may be especially prevalent if you are breastfeeding. As Julie, a mother in New Jersey, explains, the “incredible connection” she has with her son is amazing, but “sometimes that connection, the physical contact, is too much. Nursing is constantly giving, all the time,” she adds. “Sometimes it’s wonderful but I didn’t realize how intense some days would be. And those are usually the days that he needs it more.”

Like Julie and her son, nursing moms and children share a unique embodied relationship. On the one hand, a mother and baby have a physical, almost spiritual connection: your baby cries, your milk lets down; your baby suckles, your uterus contracts. The boundaries are almost non-existent. On the other hand you and your child have separate and often competing needs; your baby’s need for connection and fusion contrasts sharply with your need for autonomy and self-definition.

It’s Not Always Easy

Nobody ever said parenting was going to be easy. And breastfeeding, though deeply rewarding, isn’t always a walk in the park. But as hard as it can be to give yourself over to the needs of one’s child, that doesn’t necessarily mean you want to abandon nursing for formula.

Doula and psychologist Lauren Korfine points out the lack of safe spaces where nursing mothers can give voice to the darker side of nursing without validating those who tout formula as women’s best friend. “In this culture,” she says, “whenever something is hard the answer is immediately, ‘Then don’t do it.’ It’s hard to be in labor, so take the labor away. It’s hard to have a fever, so take the fever away. It’s hard to mother your child in a conscious, attached way, but people are afraid to say that because the reaction from others would be, ‘So put the kid in a crib or give the kid a bottle.’”

Taking Care of Yourself

There are few things in life we enjoy 100 percent, all of the time. You can be fully committed to nursing and not enjoy every second of the experience. But it’s not healthy for you, or your family, if you become a martyr. As important as it is to respond to your baby with sensitivity and compassion, it’s also important not to neglect your own needs to a consistent and sometimes dangerous degree. Even without suffering from post-partum depression, you can still find yourself feeling irritable and cranky. And as the old saying goes, “When Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

Here are a few suggestions to help you regain your emotional footing, to remember that you are more than somebody’s 24 hour snack bar.

● Find kindred spirits. Women weren’t meant to parent in isolation. Pick up the phone and talk to a friend. Call your mom. Look for Internet groups of women who share similar parenting philosophies. Meet someone for coffee.

Julie is part of a group of mothers who breastfeed and parent the way she does. They understand that

tion: your baby cries, your milk lets down; your baby suckles, your uterus contracts. The boundaries are almost non-existent. On the other hand you and your child have separate and often competing needs; your baby’s need for connection and fusion contrasts sharply with your need for autonomy and self-definition.

It’s Not Always Easy

Nobody ever said parenting was going to be easy. And breastfeeding, though deeply rewarding, isn’t always a walk in the park. But as hard as it can be to give yourself over to the needs of one’s child, that doesn’t necessarily mean you want to abandon nursing for formula.

Doula and psychologist Lauren Korfine points out the lack of safe spaces where nursing mothers can give voice to the darker side of nursing without validating those who tout formula as women’s best friend. “In this culture,” she says, “whenever something is hard the answer is immediately, ‘Then don’t do it.’ It’s hard to be in labor, so take the labor away. It’s hard to have a fever, so take the fever away. It’s hard to mother your child in a conscious, attached way, but people are afraid to say that because the reaction from others would be, ‘So put the kid in a crib or give the kid a bottle.’”

Taking Care of Yourself

There are few things in life we enjoy 100 percent, all of the time. You can be fully committed to nursing and not enjoy every second of the experience. But it’s not healthy for you, or your family, if you become a martyr. As important as it is to respond to your baby with sensitivity and compassion, it’s also important not to neglect your own needs to a consistent and sometimes dangerous degree. Even without suffering from post-partum depression, you can still find yourself feeling irritable and cranky. And as the old saying goes, “When Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

Here are a few suggestions to help you regain your emotional footing, to remember that you are more than somebody’s 24 hour snack bar.

● Find kindred spirits. Women weren’t meant to parent in isolation. Pick up the phone and talk to a friend. Call your mom. Look for Internet groups of women who share similar parenting philosophies. Meet someone for coffee.

Julie is part of a group of mothers who breastfeed and parent the way she does. They understand that

dating those who tout formula as women’s best friend. “In this culture,” she says, “whenever something is hard the answer is immediately, ‘Then don’t do it.’ It’s hard to be in labor, so take the labor away. It’s hard to have a fever, so take the fever away. It’s hard to mother your child in a conscious, attached way, but people are afraid to say that because the reaction from others would be, ‘So put the kid in a crib or give the kid a bottle.’”

Taking Care of Yourself

There are few things in life we enjoy 100 percent, all of the time. You can be fully committed to nursing and not enjoy every second of the experience. But it’s not healthy for you, or your family, if you become a martyr. As important as it is to respond to your baby with sensitivity and compassion, it’s also important not to neglect your own needs to a consistent and sometimes dangerous degree. Even without suffering from post-partum depression, you can still find yourself feeling irritable and cranky. And as the old saying goes, “When Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

Here are a few suggestions to help you regain your emotional footing, to remember that you are more than somebody’s 24 hour snack bar.

● Find kindred spirits. Women weren’t meant to parent in isolation. Pick up the phone and talk to a friend. Call your mom. Look for Internet groups of women who share similar parenting philosophies. Meet someone for coffee.

Julie is part of a group of mothers who breastfeed and parent the way she does. They understand that

passion, it’s also important not to neglect your own needs to a consistent and sometimes dangerous degree. Even without suffering from post-partum depression, you can still find yourself feeling irritable and cranky. And as the old saying goes, “When Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

Here are a few suggestions to help you regain your emotional footing, to remember that you are more than somebody’s 24 hour snack bar.

● Find kindred spirits. Women weren’t meant to parent in isolation. Pick up the phone and talk to a friend. Call your mom. Look for Internet groups of women who share similar parenting philosophies. Meet someone for coffee.

Julie is part of a group of mothers who breastfeed and parent the way she does. They understand that when she groans, “I can’t take it anymore!” or complains of feeling “touched out,” she’s not saying she regrets her decision or wants to wean. “A lot of more mainstream mothers just look at me and say, ‘Wow! You’re still doing that?’ “But I couldn’t imagine weaning my son now. If he falls down or gets upset nursing is the quickest way to connect with him and say, “It’s ok.” If he gets overwhelmed in new situations there’s the quick fix of “checking-in” nursing. If he’s hungry when we’re out at the mall, I can nurse him. It’s a piece of cake.”

● Create some space. See if someone can watch your baby for an hour or two, maybe a friend, neighbor, or high school or college student. If you have a partner, try to arrange a regularly scheduled bit of time for yourself. When you’re parenting 24/7, even going to the grocery store can be a blessed event, if you can do it alone.

● If your baby is old enough so that you don’t have to worry about nipple confusion, you might want to express some milk occasionally to leave with your partner or sitter. While some people believe that mothers should never be apart from their babies, it may be better to have a short break if it means you won’t grow resentful of the seemingly constant need for mommy’s-body-as-food.

● Move your body. Go for a walk. Exercise. I’m a pretty sedentary kind of person at heart, but even I have realized how much better I feel after doing something physical. And if you don’t have someone to give you a short break, exercise and movement is something you can often do with baby in tow.

● Finally, if worse comes to worse, simply put the baby in a safe space and give yourself a few minutes to breath. Children aren’t the only ones who sometimes need a “time-out.”