hoes? If you’re friends perhaps they could be sold to raise bail. I bet the pumps with live goldfish in them would do great on Ebay. Oh, wait, you secretly siphoned some money away, didn’t you? Siphoned. Now there’s a word for our generation. If only your husband could have been accused of siphoning — it just sounds more juvenile delinquentish — he’d be out in no time with a charge like that. They might make him write a hundred word essay and call it even.

Oh, but what’s the use of trying to change what has already happened. In America, we say “Don’t cry over spilt milk.” What do they say in the Philippines? Wait, don’t tell me. Tell me when you and I are sitting together in lounge chairs at the Nick Bolliteri tennis clinic in Boca Raton. Do you play tennis? Why Loi, you simply must! Tell you what. Send me three million of the $30 million you siphoned and I’ll get

Lately, I have been besieged by email scams from residents of foreign lands requesting my assistance and money to help them claim millions of dollars they have spirited away in a desperate attempt to escape a political coup or subsequent arrest as experienced by one or more of their unfortunate but wildly prosperous family members.

You’ve probably received similar pleas from distressed foreigners and have chosen to delete them. You shouldn’t. Responding to these letters is a wonderful opportunity to hone up on your creative writing skills and should not be passed up. C’mon I’ll show you.

First, here’s a sample of one of the many letters currently clogging my email:

Dear Friend,

My name is Loi C. Estrada, the wife of Mr. Joseph Estrada, the former President of the Philippines. My husband was recently impeached from office by a backed uprising of mass demonstrators and the Senate. My husband is presently in jail and facing trial on charges of corruption, embezzlement, and the mysterious charge of plunder which might lead to the death sentence.

The government is forcing my husband out of Manila to avoid demonstrations by his supporters. During his regime as president of Philippines, I realized some reasonable amount of money from various deals that I successfully executed. I have plans to invest this money for my children’s future on real estate and industrial production.

My husband is not aware of this because I wish to do it secretly for now. Before my husband was impeached, I secretly siphoned the sum of $30,000,000 million USD out of Philippines and deposited the money with a security firm that transports valuable goods and consignments through diplomatic means.

I am contacting you because I want you to go to the security company and claim the money on my behalf since I have declared that the consignment belongs to my foreign business partner. You shall also be required to assist me in investment in your country. I hope to trust you as a God fearing person who will not sit on this money when you claim it, rather assist me properly, I expect you to declare what percentage of the total money you will take for your assistance.

When I receive your positive response I will let you know where the security company is and the payment pin code to claim the money.

Thank you and God bless you and family.

Mrs. Loi C Estrada

Here’s the creative writing part and you don’t have to worry about punctuation or anything, just let your imagination run wild!

My dear friend, Loi,

What a tragic story! To be pushed out by demonstrators is one thing, but the Senate? That’s like Dennis Rodman telling you that you lack class. The whole episode just makes me sick! I want to give you everything I own right this very moment. Plunder. Of all the charges they could accuse your husband of, they had to choose plunder. He will now go down in history associated with pirates, the scourge of the sea and fairy tales everywhere. Captain Bligh, Captain Hook, Blackbeard, and now Joseph Estrada.

While I go into my bedroom to locate all the jewelry I plan to pawn on the behalf of you and your imprisoned spouse, I also encourage you to call an attorney in California named Robert Shapiro. If he can get O.J. Simpson acquitted of murder, surely he can get your husband acquitted of an offense that hasn’t been mentioned since Charles Laughton won the Academy Award for Mutiny on the Bounty!

What ever happened to Imelda Marco’s shoes? If you’re friends perhaps they could be sold to raise bail. I bet the pumps with live goldfish in them would do great on Ebay. Oh, wait, you secretly siphoned some money away, didn’t you? Siphoned. Now there’s a word for our generation. If only your husband could have been accused of siphoning — it just sounds more juvenile delinquentish — he’d be out in no time with a charge like that. They might make him write a hundred word essay and call it even.

Oh, but what’s the use of trying to change what has already happened. In America, we say “Don’t cry over spilt milk.” What do they say in the Philippines? Wait, don’t tell me. Tell me when you and I are sitting together in lounge chairs at the Nick Bolliteri tennis clinic in Boca Raton. Do you play tennis? Why Loi, you simply must! Tell you what. Send me three million of the $30 million you siphoned and I’ll get

ss demonstrators and the Senate. My husband is presently in jail and facing trial on charges of corruption, embezzlement, and the mysterious charge of plunder which might lead to the death sentence.

The government is forcing my husband out of Manila to avoid demonstrations by his supporters. During his regime as president of Philippines, I realized some reasonable amount of money from various deals that I successfully executed. I have plans to invest this money for my children’s future on real estate and industrial production.

My husband is not aware of this because I wish to do it secretly for now. Before my husband was impeached, I secretly siphoned the sum of $30,000,000 million USD out of Philippines and deposited the money with a security firm that transports valuable goods and consignments through diplomatic means.

I am contacting you because I want you to go to the security company and claim the money on my behalf since I have declared that the consignment belongs to my foreign business partner. You shall also be required to assist me in investment in your country. I hope to trust you as a God fearing person who will not sit on this money when you claim it, rather assist me properly, I expect you to declare what percentage of the total money you will take for your assistance.

When I receive your positive response I will let you know where the security company is and the payment pin code to claim the money.

Thank you and God bless you and family.

Mrs. Loi C Estrada

Here’s the creative writing part and you don’t have to worry about punctuation or anything, just let your imagination run wild!

My dear friend, Loi,

What a tragic story! To be pushed out by demonstrators is one thing, but the Senate? That’s like Dennis Rodman telling you that you lack class. The whole episode just makes me sick! I want to give you everything I own right this very moment. Plunder. Of all the charges they could accuse your husband of, they had to choose plunder. He will now go down in history associated with pirates, the scourge of the sea and fairy tales everywhere. Captain Bligh, Captain Hook, Blackbeard, and now Joseph Estrada.

While I go into my bedroom to locate all the jewelry I plan to pawn on the behalf of you and your imprisoned spouse, I also encourage you to call an attorney in California named Robert Shapiro. If he can get O.J. Simpson acquitted of murder, surely he can get your husband acquitted of an offense that hasn’t been mentioned since Charles Laughton won the Academy Award for Mutiny on the Bounty!

What ever happened to Imelda Marco’s shoes? If you’re friends perhaps they could be sold to raise bail. I bet the pumps with live goldfish in them would do great on Ebay. Oh, wait, you secretly siphoned some money away, didn’t you? Siphoned. Now there’s a word for our generation. If only your husband could have been accused of siphoning — it just sounds more juvenile delinquentish — he’d be out in no time with a charge like that. They might make him write a hundred word essay and call it even.

Oh, but what’s the use of trying to change what has already happened. In America, we say “Don’t cry over spilt milk.” What do they say in the Philippines? Wait, don’t tell me. Tell me when you and I are sitting together in lounge chairs at the Nick Bolliteri tennis clinic in Boca Raton. Do you play tennis? Why Loi, you simply must! Tell you what. Send me three million of the $30 million you siphoned and I’ll get

nt you to go to the security company and claim the money on my behalf since I have declared that the consignment belongs to my foreign business partner. You shall also be required to assist me in investment in your country. I hope to trust you as a God fearing person who will not sit on this money when you claim it, rather assist me properly, I expect you to declare what percentage of the total money you will take for your assistance.

When I receive your positive response I will let you know where the security company is and the payment pin code to claim the money.

Thank you and God bless you and family.

Mrs. Loi C Estrada

Here’s the creative writing part and you don’t have to worry about punctuation or anything, just let your imagination run wild!

My dear friend, Loi,

What a tragic story! To be pushed out by demonstrators is one thing, but the Senate? That’s like Dennis Rodman telling you that you lack class. The whole episode just makes me sick! I want to give you everything I own right this very moment. Plunder. Of all the charges they could accuse your husband of, they had to choose plunder. He will now go down in history associated with pirates, the scourge of the sea and fairy tales everywhere. Captain Bligh, Captain Hook, Blackbeard, and now Joseph Estrada.

While I go into my bedroom to locate all the jewelry I plan to pawn on the behalf of you and your imprisoned spouse, I also encourage you to call an attorney in California named Robert Shapiro. If he can get O.J. Simpson acquitted of murder, surely he can get your husband acquitted of an offense that hasn’t been mentioned since Charles Laughton won the Academy Award for Mutiny on the Bounty!

What ever happened to Imelda Marco’s shoes? If you’re friends perhaps they could be sold to raise bail. I bet the pumps with live goldfish in them would do great on Ebay. Oh, wait, you secretly siphoned some money away, didn’t you? Siphoned. Now there’s a word for our generation. If only your husband could have been accused of siphoning — it just sounds more juvenile delinquentish — he’d be out in no time with a charge like that. They might make him write a hundred word essay and call it even.

Oh, but what’s the use of trying to change what has already happened. In America, we say “Don’t cry over spilt milk.” What do they say in the Philippines? Wait, don’t tell me. Tell me when you and I are sitting together in lounge chairs at the Nick Bolliteri tennis clinic in Boca Raton. Do you play tennis? Why Loi, you simply must! Tell you what. Send me three million of the $30 million you siphoned and I’ll get

, but the Senate? That’s like Dennis Rodman telling you that you lack class. The whole episode just makes me sick! I want to give you everything I own right this very moment. Plunder. Of all the charges they could accuse your husband of, they had to choose plunder. He will now go down in history associated with pirates, the scourge of the sea and fairy tales everywhere. Captain Bligh, Captain Hook, Blackbeard, and now Joseph Estrada.

While I go into my bedroom to locate all the jewelry I plan to pawn on the behalf of you and your imprisoned spouse, I also encourage you to call an attorney in California named Robert Shapiro. If he can get O.J. Simpson acquitted of murder, surely he can get your husband acquitted of an offense that hasn’t been mentioned since Charles Laughton won the Academy Award for Mutiny on the Bounty!

What ever happened to Imelda Marco’s shoes? If you’re friends perhaps they could be sold to raise bail. I bet the pumps with live goldfish in them would do great on Ebay. Oh, wait, you secretly siphoned some money away, didn’t you? Siphoned. Now there’s a word for our generation. If only your husband could have been accused of siphoning — it just sounds more juvenile delinquentish — he’d be out in no time with a charge like that. They might make him write a hundred word essay and call it even.

Oh, but what’s the use of trying to change what has already happened. In America, we say “Don’t cry over spilt milk.” What do they say in the Philippines? Wait, don’t tell me. Tell me when you and I are sitting together in lounge chairs at the Nick Bolliteri tennis clinic in Boca Raton. Do you play tennis? Why Loi, you simply must! Tell you what. Send me three million of the $30 million you siphoned and I’ll get

hoes? If you’re friends perhaps they could be sold to raise bail. I bet the pumps with live goldfish in them would do great on Ebay. Oh, wait, you secretly siphoned some money away, didn’t you? Siphoned. Now there’s a word for our generation. If only your husband could have been accused of siphoning — it just sounds more juvenile delinquentish — he’d be out in no time with a charge like that. They might make him write a hundred word essay and call it even.

Oh, but what’s the use of trying to change what has already happened. In America, we say “Don’t cry over spilt milk.” What do they say in the Philippines? Wait, don’t tell me. Tell me when you and I are sitting together in lounge chairs at the Nick Bolliteri tennis clinic in Boca Raton. Do you play tennis? Why Loi, you simply must! Tell you what. Send me three million of the $30 million you siphoned and I’ll get you a racket and a case of balls. That’s right a whole case, which normally costs six million. You can pay me the rest when we see each other face to face. I trust you.

As for the security company, tell me the address and I’ll go first thing in the morning. Is it near where I live? Not to worry, I have a bus schedule! I won’t let you down, Loi.

All my love,

J Edgar Hoover

Isn’t that fun? Sadly they never write back but I guess that’s a good thing. I’d pay Loi $30 million just to keep sending me dopey letters like that…